I’m hoping your Christmas Season was joyful and meaningful! So much of this holiday focuses on children. We love to see their delight in the the celebrations and traditions. So I’m offering a series for all who love children. I hope you like it.

There are two great principles involved in raising great kids. One is the principle of Being Willing; the other is the principle of acknowledging The Hero in ourselves and others.

Bringing those two principles together in our response to children is a liberating and joyful way to interact with them. This month’s newsletter deals with the Hero. We’ll talk more about the principle of Being Willing in next month’s newsletter. Thank you for joining me this month. Enjoy!

My three year old grandson, Lucas, loves trains. Sometimes the train doesn’t quite flow with the curve in the figure eight train track. It jumps the tracks, and careens toward the conductor’s hut, taking a few other train cars with it and generally creating havoc.

That’s a pretty good picture of Lucas’ day not long ago.

My daughter, Emily, had dropped Lucas at the childcare facility at her fitness center. He normally loves to go there and had never had an “incident” before this time. Today was going be different, because, it seemed he was barreling toward a curve. In the nursery play area, there was a maze with slides and towers and bridges on which to climb and play. Fantastic! But it was safety netting underneath the towers that caught Lucas’ attention. Lucas decided to climb on the underside of that netting, swinging like a monkey. When the nursery worker told him to get down, he told her to “hush!” and then head butted her! It was “time out” for Lucas. Sorry to say, when the time out ended, the derailing continued. He proceeded to push a little girl and take a toy away from another. This time, he not only had “time out”, but it was time to call Mommy.

So Lucas had “time out” at the childcare, “time out” at home and when Daddy arrived home, he and Lucas had a serious talk. All in all, significant and appropriate attention was given to Lucas’ behavior. And the consequences of his actions were not so pleasant for him. I am in full support of those reprimands. But more importantly, I’m thrilled with what transpired next.

I have shared the two principles of “Seeing the Hero” and “Being Willing” with Emily. She has absorbed the concepts so quickly. To my delight, she told me she was regularly asking Lucas, “Who are you willing to be?” when he was challenged with choices, desires and fears. He often would reply, “I’m willing to be happy and kind.”

So when Lucas’ train derailed at childcare, Emily recognized he acted outside of his character. My daughter said, “Lucas, how you acted today was not showing who you are in your heart. Who are you in your heart?” He thought for a minute and said softly, “I’m kind.” The next morning Emily asked, “Lucas, who are you willing to be today?” He said, “I’m willing to be loving and kind. And I want to tell my teacher I’m sorry.”

This hasn’t made a perfect child of him but we have seen no repeat performances at childcare. ANYONE who knows Lucas would say he is a very strong-willed little boy. Perhaps that is precisely why this approach is so powerful with him. Strong willed children like to use their will! They like to have choices. Asking “Who are you willing to be?” has great appeal! There will continue to be times when he wants to disregard the rules and choose his own way. But a parent or teacher who holds a consistent view of him as a “hero” helps that child to see who he is in his heart. When the child is in remembrance of his hero, he more easily makes choices that are coherent with his character. Being willing to be your true self comes more easily when others hold that image of us. They mirror of our highest character.

We all know of examples where children are berated and belittled and how the result is they strike out in anger and misbehavior. It is no secret people who are told that they are stupid, act stupidly. The opposite is true as well. When we see others as “heroes”, they act out heroism.

Let me explain my terms. What do I mean by “hero?” A hero in any legend or story has a purpose. A hero is willing to take his rightful role in making something wonderful happen no one else seems to be able to accomplish. There is no one on earth who wouldn’t love to take his unique role of accomplishing something good for mankind. But there are millions who will never have the courage to see this as the truth about their life.

Wouldn’t you like for your child, children or students to view themselves as having something incredible to contribute to this earth? Wouldn’t you thrill at the prospect of each believing that he was born with qualities that could accomplish this? That all he had to do was be willing? Then see him as a hero.

There are two ways we can view people (we are talking about children specifically, but this applies to all people.)

View One:

1. They are broken and need to be fixed.

2. They do not have their own answers.

3. I do and it’s up to me to fix them or give them the answer.

4. I question their commitment and/or motivation.

5. They are a drain on me.

View Two:

1. They are whole and complete.

2. They have their own answers.

3. They have goals and dreams and want their life to make a difference.

4. They are contributing to me right now.

5. I interact with them in the way I want to be interacted with—with dignity and respect.

That’s it. We ourselves are the keys. We each have the code to our very best life. And the

Do you see people in the red or in the green? Do you see them as Heroes or as Remodel Jobs? How about your children – even three year olds—how do you see them?

Now let’s get something straight. Seeing your child as a hero does not remove you from the leadership role in the relationship. You have not just become victim to a whining, demanding or disrespectful child. This view simply means you see his behavior as separate from who he is in his heart. Bad behavior should never be tolerated or excused. It’s bad. But does the child want his life to be a contribution to others? Yes he does. Was he created whole and complete? I believe he was. Does he have within him, the capacity to contribute to your life and to others? He most certainly does. And would he like for his life to have meaning? I believe that is our birthright. No one missed out on that gift to his soul. Not one person. However, threr are those whose capacities have been maimed and scarred. What I’m suggesting to parents is they build on this gift. Your child will see that gift and acknowledge that gift. He’ll build his life around it if you encourage and develop his sense of it.

Your acknowledgement of the hero in him will have a powerful impact on him. When children know without a doubt that we acknowledge a special purpose and wonderful attributes in them, they will challenge themselves to be their best.

We can say to them, “I see you are up to something big in your life.” “You have a wonderful contribution to make in this life.” “When I see who you really are I become so inspired.” “You are very courageous. I see that in you.” (Or insert any other attribute the child is displaying, i.e. grateful, attentive, and loving, etc.)

I believe when children act out, misbehave, or run through the stop signs of life, they are deliberately and knowingly disregarding who they are. When we affirm that we see who they really are, in spite of their actions, it gives them courage to realign themselves.

Our personal world feels right when we align what we do with who we are. Mine does. Yours does. And your child’s does. And that should be the aim of every person who interacts with children.

Do you have a question or comment about this newsletter? Please contact me. I’d love to hear your response!